AUTHORS: INES BRAZIER & ZARA MASON
Another rising form of spirituality is the belief in astrology; that your birthday is indicative of your personality and that you are one of 12 zodiac signs. Horoscopes are also part of astrology and rely on the principle that the movement of stars and planets can affect your future. Horoscopes are often found in newspapers and magazines, so we have taken it upon ourselves to introduce you, the reader, to this practice with our (slightly subjective) horoscope. Even though there is no solid scientific evidence for the reliability of this, we hope you enjoy.
Aquarius: Jan 20 – Feb 18
Stop procrastinating. I’m serious. Most of you – okay, a few of you – mess things up completely because of it. You pretend to be smarter than you are, and by the way, you need to get over that one bad grade you got in year 7. This month, maybe stop being ao relaxed that you forget the existence of every. single. assessment. you. have.
Pisces: Feb 19 – Mar 20
I’m literally in love with you, please marry me. You are the coolest in your friend group and have an elite sense of humour. This month you may face some challenges with your relationships; if it feels right, ditch them. But – just a suggestion – maybe don’t spend so much time on your phone…
Aries: Mar 21 – Apr 19
All aries are the best. The stereotype that we all have anger issues is complete rubbish! It’s just main character energy and again, Aries is obviously the best sign. You have nothing to improve on because you’re already perfect. This is fantastic proof of why Aries’ should never try to be impartial, as that never works, so this month: kindly keep your opinions to yourself.
Taurus: Apr 20 – May 20
You’re all great people. You’re kind and dedicated to your friends and loyal to a fault. This month, continue being better than everyone else… and also maybe address the six classes you are failing.
Gemini: May 21 – Jun 20
You receive way too much hate – Geminis are the best. Usually. Don’t listen to anyone who says they hate you, they’re the problem in the relationship. Also, happy birthday.
Cancer: Jun 21 – Jul 22
You’re super hot and amazing and the objectively best sign, overall. You’re not a crybaby, you’re just in touch with your emotions, and that’s ok. This month you should drink more water and probably invest in waterproof mascara.
Leo: Jul 23 – Aug 22
Main character energy. Also, we get it you’re hot and interesting, but please stop being mean to your friends. Your ego is huge, so this month we recommend you reflect and realise: “Hey, other people are cool too.”
Virgo: Aug 23 – Sep 22
Everyone says you are super organised, but come on we know that’s not true. When was the last time you even opened your school diary? Apparently, serial killers are most likely to be Virgos. Honestly, that makes sense. You’re dedicated when it comes to things you care about, so keep doing that.
Libra: Sep 23 – Oct 22
We get it, you’re sooo nice to other people. Please shush about how you donated a kidney or whatever. Please humble yourself, you’re nice, but sometimes take it too far.
Scorpio: Oct 23 – Nov 21
Please stay away from me. You are either the best person in the world or I want you to shut up all the time. You’re fun but you give me the feeling that you can and will commit mass murder.
Sagittarius: Nov 22 – Dec 21
You are objectively the worst sign ever. Something to improve on this month is your life, because be honest, it’s a trainwreck.
Capricorn: Dec 22 – Jan 19
You scare me. Mainly because you know what’s going on. But if you are angry, please stay away from me. I don’t trust you so maybe work on communicating your feelings just a teeny bit.